“Top Ten Perks Of Being The Leader of Al Qaeda”

10. Always feel wanted

9. Get royalties every time the phrase “Death to America” is used

8. Free wake up calls from Navy Seals

7. Your wardrobe and curtains are interchangeable

6. Free gym membership at PakistaniMilitaryTrainingAcademy

5. No overambitious wannabes clamoring for your position

4. If someone takes your parking spot, you can kill them

3. You get to keep all of the soccer balls that get kicked into your compound

2. Ka-ching! An instant $25 million for turning yourself in

1. Stretch camels