Top Ten Hillary Clinton Campaign Slogans
10. “Read My Lips — No New Interns”
9. “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”
8. “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”
7. “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”
6. “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”
5. “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”
4. “Still Not Indicted As Of Early ’99!”
3. “From Perjury To Albany”
2. “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It”
1. “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back To Arkansas”
Top Ten Hillary Clinton Internet Screen Names
10. Soon2BeSingle
9. NoDNAHere
8. CarpetBagger99
7. 2Powerful2Go2Jail
6. BiteMeTipper
5. Mad@bill.com
4. Good@lying.com
3. RudySux
2. I’veNeverHeldElectedOfficeOrSetFootInNewYorkButIStillHaveTheGallToRun4Senator
1. Secrets2China
Top Ten Skeletons In George W. Bush’s Closet
10. Fathered half the players at this year’s Wimbledon.
9. Once killed a Lenscrafter clerk when his glasses weren’t ready in about an hour.
8. The “W” Stands for “Winky.”
7. In 1988 told dad, “I think Quayle would make a great vice president.”
6. He’s also married to Barbara Bush.
5. On April 9, 1968 actually had an opinion.
4. Calls brother Jeb “the one with the hick name.”
3. Recovering “Opraholic.”
2. From 1986 to 1991: Nothing but Nintendo and hookers.
1. Borrowed a skeleton from a local museum, put it in his closet, never returned it.

Top Ten Signs There’s Trouble in the Barbie and Ken Marriage
10. Ken overheard at bar saying he’d like to find “a woman with bendable elbows.”
9. Years-old feud about who can go longer without blinking.
8. After sex, she said, “You ain’t exactly Stretch Armstrong.”
7. Ken’s extensive collection of gay porn.
6. While Ken’s asleep, Barbie covers him with bacon grease so neighbor’s dog will chew him to shreds and bury him.
5. They’re arguing over custody of the Beanie Babies.
4. She wants the kids raised as dolls, and he wants them raised as action figures.
3. He’s been coming home late at night reeking of Silly Putty.
2. Personal ad reads, “Curvy blonde seeks anatomically-correct guy.”
1. Lewinsky!

Top Ten Other Disney World Attractions Being Closed for Renovations
10. It’s a Small, Vermin-infested World
9. The Lion King’s Litter Box
8. Mickey’s “Loose Bolts” Roller Coaster
7. Spinning Tea Cups Full of Scalding Coffee
6. 101 Dalmatians Get Spayed and Neutered
5. The Country Bear “When Animals Attack” Jamboree
4. Computer Software Pirates of the Carribean
3. Journey through Goofy’s Pancreas
2. Hall of Presidents of the Hair Club for Men
1. Robert Downey Jr.’s Wild Ride
Top Ten Things That Would Be Different if Clinton Had Been Our First President
10. Instead of “President,” highest office in the land is called, “Burger King ”
9. Indiana and Ohio known as “East and West Bubbaland”
8. Preamble to Constitution contains 23 references to cheese fries
7. His early morning jogs would have been enough to scare off the entire Indian population
6. The first amendment: “You have the right to get, like, totally stoned”
5. Schoolchildren learn about how Clinton chopped down a cherry tree, then ate it
4. The term “Father of Our Country” would have an entirely different meaning
3. Instead of man wearing powdered wig, dollar bill features man holding powdered donut
2. Washington Monument would be anatomically correct
1. Our national bird: the Chicken McNugget

Top Ten Signs You Won’t Be Getting Into College
10. On visit to campus, you accidentally kill the school mascot
9. Instead of a cap and gown, your high school gives you a McDonald’s uniform
8. After four years of Spanish, you still can’t place an order at Taco Bell
7. You took an S.A.T. preparation course that was advertised by Sally Struthers
6. Your list of school activities includes words “Comet Hale-Bopp” and “castration”
5. You tell admissions officer you’re looking forward to “some good, honest book-larnin'”
4. Instead of application, you send in a Where’s Waldo? book with all the Waldos circled
3. You insist interviewer call you by your nickname: “Glue-Sniffin’ Eddie”
2. Last time you picked up a book, Michael Jackson was black
1. Your classmates voted you “Least Likely to Get into College”
Top Ten Signs You’re at a Bad Camp
10. Lifeguard is a mannequin with a whistle
9. Many of the counselors are still wearing their prison uniforms
8. At the end of the tetherball rope is a sun-bleached human skull
7. Bonfire fueled entirely by documents from old lawsuits
6. At meal time, they send you into the woods with a hunting knife and say, “Bon appetit, you little bastards!”
5. Baseball clinic is run by last place New York Mets
4. The strange-looking kid who keeps biting everyone turns out to be a giant mosquito
3. Dead horse + 1,000 volts = 8 seconds of horseback riding
2. They give you a special repellent to prevent bites by Mike Tyson
1. Camp motto: remember Waco
Top Ten Good Things About Rooming With the President’s Daughter
10. Bitchin’ motorcade from history class to language lab
9. She shows up with beer coasters hand-knit by Betsy Ross
8. Your summer job next year: Ambassador to Belgium
7. Secret Service guys always available to buy you beer
6. Her care packages always include a tray of dad’s “special” brownies
5. You become fourth in line for Presidency
4. At some point, you find yourself playing “quarters” with Ted Kennedy
3. When ordering from Domino’s, you can take advantage of the President’s volume discount
2. If you receive poor mark on test, you can have professor slapped around by Janet Reno
1. Somehow, you’re not so embarrassed about your own father
Top Ten Things The Founding Fathers Would Say If They Were Alive Today
10. “Remember that electoral college thing we made up when we were drunk? They’re still using it!”
9. “Maybe that ruthless monarchy thing in England wasn’t such a bad idea after all…”
8. “Good to see Florida is still using the same old voting machines”
7. “That’s odd — in my day, we also had a senator named Strom Thurmond”
6. “So that’s the Washington Monument? Yeah, in his dreams”
5. “Giuliani has really wrecked Times Square”
4. “We risk our lives to form this great nation and you wanna let George W. Bush run it?!”
3. “Back in our time there certainly wasn’t anyone as man-tastic as Ricky Martin”
2. “He did what in the Oval Office?”
1. “Screw this, we’re going to Canada”

Top Ten Signs You’ve Hired A Bad Easter Bunny
10. Costume is made from rabbits he hit on the interstate
9. Not really a hop — more of a drug impaired stumble
8. Before kids get candy they have to sit through a presentation about timeshare condos
7. Keeps saying, “Jesus? No doesn’t ring a bell…”
6. He’s been wearing the suit since November
5. Easter basket is filled with menthol cigarettes
4. Hides five eggs and the body of a drifter
3. He’s wearing a yarmulke
2. Tells you for an extra thousand bucks he won’t rat you out to the New York Post
1. He disappears for hours with Whitney Houston
Top Ten Most Popular Shows at the Vatican
10. “Friends…Of The Lord”
9. “World’s Scariest Popemobile Chases”
8. “Kids Say The Darndest Things and as a Result Go To Hell”
7. “Platonic Love Boat”
6. “Live! With Jesus & Kathie Lee”
5. “Sabrina, The Teenage Witch Who Was Burned At The Stake”
4. “Beverly Hills IXOCCX”
3. “Everybody Loves Praying”
2. “Virgin Mary Tyler Moore”
1. “M*A*S*S”
 
Top Ten Things Overheard Outside “The Da Vinci Code”
10. “So what other movies has Da Vinci done?”
9. “Would Jesus prefer Good & Plenty or Raisinets?”
8. “I’ve seen a fair number of codes in my day, but that was the Da Vinciest!”
7. “I couldn’t see anything over the Pope’s crazy hat”
6. “They want us to believe fishsticks were served at the last super?”
5. “Can I get a discounted ticket if my name is Vince?”
4. “Nine bucks a ticket, now that’s blasphemy – – am I right, people?”
3. “They could have done without the cameo by Larry the Cable Guy”
2. “Are you sure L. Ron Hubbard didn’t have anything to do with this?”
1. “One senior citizen ticket, Mr. Letterman?”

Advertisements