Today was the first day that I actually felt like driving after Saturday evening’s attempt to recreate Dorothy Hamill’s awe inspiring performance from the 1976 Olympics right on my front steps. I seriously doubt Ms. Hamill attempted a double loop-triple back flip like I did – and with as much success. I did not wear sequins, but damned if I don’t have a short hair cut with a slight bounce!

I first ventured to Meijer to get a light fixture for the boys’ game area in the basement. In the parking lot a car, cutting across the lanes, nearly bashed into the side of my car. Still, I hopped out of the car with a smile, and strolled through the brisk air, smiling.

I use as much caution in supermarket or store aisles as I do in parking lots. Today was no different as I strolled through the newly remodeled and restructured Meijer at the corner of Stroop and Wilmington. I paused at the corner near electronics and then proceeded into the main aisle. A stocky guy, with a long beard and wearing a ball cap whirred around the corner, causing me to jump back. As he passed quickly by – much faster than I could walk – he said, “You people don’t care about handicaps.” I don’t care for rude people. Before I could react, a second wheel chair nearly clipped me as it rounded the corner at top 1924 Indy 500 speed. He, too, had something to say about me being in the way.

Some of the aisles are narrower in Meijers due to the restructuring and it is more difficult to maneuver shopping carts. With the exception of Aldi’s, I normally take two boys with me so I can avoid using a cart – we fill up with what we can carry so unnecessary purchases are hopefully avoided. Today I had a cart for the light fixture. One gentleman came up from behind me at top shopping cart speed and was annoyed that I could not, or would not, maintain his speed – and I was NOT sauntering along. I was moving at DLJH speed which is not slow by any means. I pulled into an aisle to let him pass. I thought I heard him say, “Jeesh…” but then I don’t know if the comment came from me due to the stench of body odor and three week old smoke that reeked from his navy blue Carhart’s as he passed me, leaving me gasping for air.

After gathering my items I hurried through the store to the check-out lane. I unloaded my items onto the conveyer belt (those black belts have fascinated me since childhood!) behind a disgruntled elderly lady who was fussing over the discrepancy between a listed price and the cash register’s. The associate got on the telephone, which I did not mind, as I was in no hurry. My items were unloaded and I moved the shopping cart around to the other empty carts. Another lady stepped into the line and I came around from the front since I could not get past her cart.

“You cut in line,” came this icy voice.

I turned to explain that I had simply taken my cart to the empty cart corral.

“You could have done it after your purchase.”

“Yes, I could have, but I decided to use my time wisely while waiting on this price check.”

With that, the elderly lady disputing the register’s price turned and said, “Well, I am sorry I have inconvenienced you, young man.”

Dear God!

“I wasn’t complaining at all, Mam. And thank you for calling me a ‘young man.'”

She snuffed, “I was being sarcastic since you were rude enough to tell everyone I am holding up the line.”

For once, my brain shut off all function to my mouth and I only thought, “You were not being sarcastic, you were being a complete bitch!”

The lady behind me chimed in, telling the couple who had joined our line how rude I had been to her and the lady in front of me. I turned to look at the sympathetic couple who seemed to sense she was a “real piece of work.” Finally, the rascally Price-O-Dame in front of me departed and the cashier smiled, apologetically.

“It is Bethany Village day. Their bus brings residents over here to shop and some days are worse than others.”

I merely nodded, fearful of opening my mouth with Ice-O-Dame hovering behind me.

In the parking lot, the people waiting at the cross walks in their car were so impatient – which is something I have never understood. In inclement weather, why do some people in cars become impatient with those who are actually out in the weather? They are warm and comfortable in their car!

As I crossed the little road leading to McDonald’s on Stroop Road, a car swerved out in front of me, forcing me to slam on the brakes. I honked and he flipped me off. And to top that off, he did not use a turn signal. On Stroop, I was behind him in the right lane and he was going 20 mph without accelerating. I passed his vehicle and did not even glance his way. Suddenly he was keeping up with me, flipping me off. I smiled and he flipped me off more. I sped up and he kept up with me. I noticed he was coming up on a car in his lane, and there was a car coming up behind me. So, I took that opportunity to raise my hand and dangle my wrist in a “gay” gesture. Wow! Instead of seeing road-rage surface, I saw his gene pool boil over!

In CVS, I hurried to get Matthew’s medicines. Matthew and I took in the order on Monday and they asked if we would mind retrieving them the following day. Since Matt still had enough meds for a few days it was not a problem. That Wednesday morning I waited behind an elderly gentleman who was annoyed that his prescription was not ready after ten minutes. The Pakistani pharmacist – who does not have full command of the English language – was trying to placate the gentleman. The pharmacist returned to his work and the elderly gentleman turned to me, desiring a sympathetic ear.

“I came in and they said it would be ten minutes. It has been twelve.”

I chuckled and said, “I brought mine in Monday afternoon and it is finally ready on Wednesday morning.”

With that, the elderly gentleman leaned across the counter and shouted, “This man has been waiting since Monday for his prescription!”

The dark eyes of the pharmacist shot up at me with a glare. “Dear God,” I thought. “Now Paschal is going to be even more short with me.” I could not even muster an understanding facial expression to soothe the moment as the elderly gentleman proceeded to complain. By this time I wanted to shove Grumps’ neck into the pressure cup on the blood pressure machine, and hit the reset button each time the mechanical voice said, “Test completed.”

Back at home, I quickly grabbed my items from the car and darted into the house at stealth speed.

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